Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

Co-parenting is a phrase used in the Family Court System and its attending agencies to describe two separated parents that share children from a previous relationship. Seems simple enough. To the person who has never experienced a separated relationship with children, co-parenting is just that – a phrase. It is an adjective used to describe a situation. Most give it very little thought, assuming that both parties are managing their parenting time, putting the children’s needs as priority above their own, and so life goes on.

But there is not always a co-parenting relationship, and the definition is not universal. Not all separated parents are “co-parents”. The Court and its agencies will refer to both parents using this term, but the word again is used as a descriptive to the separated parents, not to the relationship those parents have with each other.

The Family Court and Their Enabling of Post-Secondary Abuse

Co-parenting, by definition, is a parenting arrangement where two people, even if not together romantically or living together, share responsibility for raising a child, focusing on the child’s best interests and well-being. So, what is it called then when those two parents do not share responsibility? What is the proper term for a parenting situation where the focus from BOTH parents is not on the best interests of the children, but instead on wreaking havoc on the other parent? What is it called when one parent, not both, but one parent continuously opts out of basic parenting obligations? What is called when one parent uses weaponized incompetence with school portals, coach communication apps, online school fee payment apps? What is it called when one parent constantly makes inappropriate demands of the other parent with stipulations of withholding support payments? What do you call it when the person you are expected to “co-parent” with refuses to do just that? The question that will shortly follow is, “Why is the Family Court permitting this behavior to continue?”

Counter-parenting is a term I have sadly become all too familiar with lately. Counter-parenting occurs when one parent deliberately undermines, often leading to confusion and conflict for the child. This behavior can manifest in various ways, like contradicting rules, dismissing disciplinary actions, or encouraging behaviors that the other parent discourages. Understanding the effects of counter-parenting is crucial, as it can impact a child’s emotional well-being, sense of stability and overall development. However, when these situations continue to arise, the Family Court will only continue to spew their rhetoric to keep them uninvolved: “You two need to grow-up and learn how to get along”.

Now to those who have been through a divorce, very few will tell you it was a happy time or an easy process. Some couples have the fortune of amicability in their case, and to those few, I applaud and work to hide my jealousy. For the rest of us, there was conflict. But even this conflict can take two very different paths, and it depends on the type of person you are divorcing. The first path is that one that is expected and most anticipate. There are arguments, hurt feelings, more arguments as both parents navigate this new way of parenting, but eventually new routines take over, things are simply figured out and everyone continues to live life as best they can.

Then there are those parents who stand where I stand—where co-parenting is not an option, and time will not mend the wounds. These are the cases the Family Court system must recognize. Instead, the courts operate with blinders on, insisting that parents should simply learn to get along, as if maturity alone will fix the problem. What they fail to grasp is that these situations are not, in fact, high-conflict situations. These are post-separation abuse tactics used by one parent to exploit the loopholes the system refuses to close.

My ex-husband and I have two daughters together. When we were married, he was pretty hands-off in the girls’ activities, showing up for competitions or games, but I managed the day-to-day. As soon as I filed for divorce and separated, he quickly disagreed with every activity the girls had been involved in for years. If he disagreed, he did not have to share the cost of these activities, but then he continued to let them join – as long as I paid for all the expenses. (Financial Post-Separation Abuse) And he disagreed with everything – 8th Grade trip to Washington D.C., after he had paid for the deposit on our oldest to go. Cheer Camp – I disagree. 4-H dues – I disagree. He even went as far as certain medical expenses. Our oldest needed a second stage of care for her bottom teeth, not cheap but only $900, way cheaper than the $5300 from the first stage. He disagreed. This can also be described as counter-parenting, where the abusive parent continuously undermines the other parent, imposing conflicting values, denies or withholds consent for child’s needs, and creates situations in efforts to force the child to choose between their parents.

Another piece of the post-separation abuse wheel is neglectful and abusive parenting. This behavior is observed when the parent uses violence, manipulation, intimidation, ridicule, and threats to gain compliance, and sometimes even form an alliance with the children.

When this post-separation abuse is evident in a situation, another form of post-separation abuse that will typically align itself in this type of situation is alienation allegations. When one parent is neglectful and/or abusive, the other parent will undoubtedly report the behavior and unsafe conditions during court proceedings, in motions, yet these will be countered with allegations of parental alienation. The abuser will paint a picture that the protective parent is lying and become the victim in their story, while painting the protective parent as the bitter, vindictive parent who is not only causing all the conflict, but is also a compulsive liar.

By labeling these cases as “high-conflict,” the courts perpetuate the false narrative that both parents are equally difficult—that it “takes two to tango.” But when dealing with an abusive ex, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’ll never forget what one of my children, then in her early teens, once confided in me. Her father told her, “I don’t care if my decisions hurt you or your sister. If it pisses your mom off, it’s worth it.” That is the reality we face. Yet, the court assumes that both parents will act in their child’s best interests, failing to recognize that some will intentionally make decisions just to manipulate, control, and inflict harm.

These abusers have no other agenda than to continue their control, using whatever—or whomever—they can to achieve it. This isn’t co-parenting; it’s abuse, repackaged as shared responsibility. And when the system refuses to protect us, we are left to navigate this battle alone.

So, how do we survive? How do we keep going when the very institutions meant to protect us turn a blind eye?

Co-parenting with an abusive ex can be incredibly challenging, but there are ways to protect your peace and maintain your sanity.

Coping with Post-Separation Abuse Attacks

First, set firm boundaries. While we have to communicate with the counter-parent, we do not have to engage in in-depth conversation. Keep communication at a minimum, using email or co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parent to document interactions and avoid unnecessary conflict.

Second, within those firm communication boundaries, practice the Gray Rock Method. Gray Rock is often described as being as exciting and animated as a gray rock – dull, unemotional, and drawing no attention. Every response is neutral regardless of the level of hostility they are using towards you. Avoid emotional reactions, keep responses brief, and do not engage in the power struggles. This method minimizes the abuser’s ability to manipulate and provoke you. Another way to respond is to simply not respond at all. No response is a response. If their rant is not about the child / children but rather on their opinion of your parenting abilities, no response is warranted. No one likes to fight with themselves. You are simply removing yourself from their perceived and self-created conflict.

Third, document everything. This also coincides with using email or a co-parenting communication app. I personally recommend the co-parenting apps, while they can cost a small monthly membership fee, they offer unalterable records of messages, shared calendar dates, etc. These also offer recorded phone call features which, along with other detailed records on interactions, agreements, payments and expenses, and incidents, can be invaluable if legal action is needed.

In all of the above that we can do to take care of ourselves, the next two are not any less important. Lean on a good support system. Surround yourself with trusted friends and family, find a therapist who is familiar with post-separation abuse and the effects it can have on a victim. Support groups for these situations are becoming more and more prominent, in-person and through social media groups and content creators. All of these are vital to creating emotional validation and guidance for you.

Lastly, focus on self-care. Make time for activities that help you decompress. This can be therapy, exercise, writing a journal, meditating, or any activity that helps you separate yourself from the abuser and the feelings of chaos they bring around you are beneficial. A parent who does not focus on taking care of themselves unfortunately can’t provide for their children as best as possible. Your self-care is essential for you and your children.

As disheartening as it is, there are no quick fixes or rescues from these situations. The harsh truth is that life isn’t fair, and the Family Court system lags far behind in recognizing the manipulative tactics abusers use to keep control. But while Family Court continues to fail us, we are not powerless. We can choose to heal, to reclaim our strength, and to speak our truth—shining a light on the reality so many endure in silence. We can focus on our well-being, setting boundaries and finding support to counter the attacks meant to break us. Most importantly, we can focus on raising resilient, healthy children despite the chaos, showing them through our actions that strength, love, and perseverance will always outweigh cruelty and control.

The last thing we can do is exactly this – share, talk, and not be silent. When I started on this journey, I had no idea what I was getting ready to go up against. I had even less of an idea how deep this type of behavior and abuse can truly reach. When this started for me back at the very end of 2018, I only knew of people “not getting along” during a divorce. Never had it crossed by mind that people actively engage in behavior that is so focused on destroying their (former) spouse and the other parent of their children. If you have been a victim, or still are dealing with, post-separation abuse then share your story, share your experiences, and help others know they are not alone. Sharing your story does not mean you are “not moving on”, that you are still wanting to be with the other person, or that you are the one who just can’t “let things go”. We must break the stigma that victims sharing their stories of abuse are disparaging the other person or only doing so to damage their reputation. We must stop blaming victims for speaking out on how a person has hurt them, and instead listen when they talk, learn from their experiences, and most importantly show them you value their story of survival.