Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

When I decided to start writing about my experience in a psychologically abusive relationship, I truly did not think about how repetitive the topics I write about would be. I think I honestly thought it would be one issue, this tactic, that bulldozing of a boundary. I guess I imagined myself navigating new situations, learning each time of what else this person was going to throw my way. To say dealing with a high conflict person is exhausting, would be an understatement, and to say that you will always have some new, enlightening experience is, well, a flat out falsehood.

I have been writing for some time, publishing some, others sitting in drafts waiting for me to organize my final thoughts on them, but regardless I am finding that my writings are becoming rather routine. And with that it has sparked this new thought in my head.

When we find ourselves dealing with a high-conflict person that is repeating behaviors, how is it that we are not able to better handle interactions with them? Now, I am not saying we do not deal with these interactions the exact same way we did in the beginning; we have learned, we have grown, we have set healthy boundaries, we have learned to respond in facts and not on emotions. Yet we still find ourselves in our garage or driveway screaming into the steering wheel of our parked car. We ugly cry, we yell, we scream questions out loud with emotions that come straight from our gut. And why? Or better how?! How does this person still manage to tear down our best defenses? How do they even get us back to that emotional break we thought we left 15 months ago? What is it that still lets them get under our skin?

Now I may be in the minority with my conclusion to this line of questioning, but here is what I think about all of that. It’s the repetition that becomes infuriating. It’s the repeated accusations, repeated violations, repeated games, repeated… everything. It is in the repetition that those of us still working through our healing journey are so annoyed with. How can this person be so dense, so set on destruction and chaos, that they just follow the same pattern over and over and over and over again? This should actually excite us. We know their playbook, we know what to expect, there are no surprises.

That is exactly what gets us so off-center. We have worked to heal, to push ahead, to do better, be better, we have sought counsel, and learned from others as well as our selves. We have made changes. We have put in the work, damn it! Why, then, has this person stayed the same. Or maybe a better question is, how has this person been permitted to remain the same?

They have harassed us, threatened us, bullied us, and continued to abuse us through legal, financial, mental, counter-parenting, isolation, neglectful parenting, and even domestic violence by proxy. And they continue to do it again and again, with no consequences or repercussions of their actions.

We become frustrated because they are not changing. “Time heals all wounds” but how when the wounds are constantly being ripped back open? We change and they stay exactly the same, and that is what makes us, at some point, just break.

So, here is where I self-reflect. Why do I still allow this person’s predictable behavior have such an impact on me that I am unable to adequately function for a short period of time? Or the better question may be, what is the truth behind my own frustration that brings me to that point? What have I not accepted and moved on from after all this time?

I have thought about this for quite some time. I have discussed this very thing with my counselor, but it was not until recently, actually through a statement made by this other person, that I think I was really able to put my finger on it.

In a very heated conversation with my ex, that as per the playbook, was filled with gaslighting, projection, misrepresentation of facts, and frankly straight out lies followed by insane accusations, this person said to me, “I thought we were done with this”. That sentence made me pause for two reasons.

The first reason was the obvious. No, we will never be done with this because you cannot simply let go of your anger and just co-parent with me. This will never be “done with” because you would rather opt out of every parenting responsibility there is so you can cast blame on me for the decisions and actions I do make. This will “be done with” when you decide to put the kids’ needs above your own and put them first. Then it will “be done”.

The second reason was even more simple. “We will never be done with this”. I was ready to be done with this. I was doing my best to just stay in my lane, parent two teenage daughters to guide them in living productive, healthy lives. If you put the kids first, then how can there be this much conflict?! And I realized that was the answer. My expectations were way off base.

I was expecting me from this person. I was expecting the “what is in the best interest of the kids” approach to making parenting decisions. I was expecting the motivated, get things accomplished, organize all the appointments, activities, school demands, from the other person. I was expecting selflessness, empathy, self-reflection, perseverance, and compassion from a person who was, or rather is, selfless, greedy, manipulative, abusive, egotistical, and completely dependent to not be. Not be who they are, not continue to create the same problem repeatedly, not be a person who thrives in conflict and chaos.

And the “what” to this question is this. I am brought to a very low place by these exchanges, behaviors, and interactions because I feel a deep sense of unfairness. Now how juvenile is that?! No seriously, as I have thought this and now write about, I am disappointed in myself that “fairness” is what is sending me towards a brief breaking point. But I will defend myself, and anyone else who is feeling this way by saying this.

I am right and you are right – it’s not fair. It’s not fair that we had to go through the growing pains. It’s not fair that we had to look ourselves in the mirror every morning and admit we had made mistakes. It’s not fair that we have put in the work for months to be a better person and a better parent. It’s not fair that we have lost friendships, lost favorite places to go, maybe even lost a little social status. It’s not fair that all the responsibility falls on us; the doctor appointments, dentist appointments, school conferences, daily homework, household chores, daily crisis that teenagers go through, transportation to and from activities, friend’s houses, literally everything involved in the day-to-day falls on us. It’s not fair that we are always exhausted, always stressed about everyone’s schedule and your own. And it’s not fair that the other person just sits back and only worries about themselves, waiting for us to forget a jacket, be late to a practice, not message or report promptly on how the routine dentist appointment went, but they attend nothing, they are engaged in nothing, and they make no effort to be so. So no, it’s not fair.

That is what I personally need to get over in this cycle of chaos and conflict. I need to move on from the feeling of fairness, and realize that co-parenting with a high-conflict, toxic ex will never be fair. They will never play fair, be fair, do what’s right, or put the needs of anyone else above their own wants. The sadistic cycle of toxic behavior will continue. This does not mean that I accept this. No, to accept deplorable behavior from someone, especially a parent towards the well being of their child, is crazy. It is just something that must be tolerated. We have to accept the fact that we can only control ourselves, our emotions, and how we choose to move forward as best we can. We do need to come to terms, that while it is not fair, it is who they are going to be, and they continue to show us.

So, I will end with this. Perspective. Flip your perspective on the fact that they are not changing, not growing, not playing fair as the negative. Instead, have the perspective that them never changing, never altering their toxic behavior, always repeating the same lies and false accusations is actually a positive for you, for us. We know their next move, we know the next lie they are going to tell, the scheduled parenting time they are going to cancel, the medical care they are going to “not agree with”, the sports activities or performance that will once again have an empty seat where they said they would be. We know what is coming next. Yes, it still stings a little when we continue to be right, but we know what’s going to happen. So embrace in the knowing, be prepared for what is going to happen, and then, like we have all-along, move on. Once we do that, they no longer have any power over us. And in that realization, we reclaim our peace, our power, and the freedom to focus on what truly matters.