Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

It is known that divorce is the end to a relationship. Divorce is more stressful than the death of a spouse. I believe that. Because in death, you are still here, only haunted by the ghost of the person that you create in your head. In divorce, you are forced to exist and interact with the demon you desperately tried to escape.

In death, the conversations are one-sided. You can create idle chat, make jokes with the person who is no longer with you. You can even rage at them in anger for leaving you, for abandoning you, for breaking a promise they made to you. But the dead don’t really talk back to you, and so you are left with your own thoughts, your own words, and a sense of getting something off of your chest and then you move on.

In divorce, you pray for the one-sided conversations. You navigate your way through high-conflict situations, post-separation abuse through the family court system, financial abuse, or becoming a social pariah through a smear campaign. Calls from “NO CALLER ID” at 2 AM, or text message after text message after text message containing nothing more than the ramblings of a drunk. And when you hold your ground to not engage in their delusion, to acknowledge their gas lighting, they move on to their next target, their next supply. If they can’t get to you directly, then they will attack what you hold most dear: your children, your parents, your friends, your career. They are waging social and mental warfare, and there are no white flags to stop the attacks.

In death, you grieve he loss of the person, the relationship. You seek counseling, support of your family and friends, and slowly rebuild yourself, and start to move on

In divorce, you grieve the loss of the relationship. You seek counseling, support of your family and friends, and slowly rebuild yourself, but you do not always get to move on.

All is fair in love and war; and divorce has no rules – despite what the family court system will tell you. Their rules do not apply. Their rules are written with as little thought as that of a child writing their first name. It written because it is expected, but the foundation of the action is not solid. It literally just looks good on paper, and that is all. No one is coming to check it, or test it or make sure that what is written is actually the best that can be written. It is just “written”. Written with no thought of ever being called into accountability. Written in such a way that literally every line is left “up to the interpretation” of the court.

And how dare you! How dare you think that when these “rules” are being violated by your ex-partner, if you simply ask that these “rules” be followed because the court ordered them into place for a reason, and you actually expect accountability?! The court has made it very clear in their own paperwork that as long as you have minor children, they are under the jurisdiction of the court. The court obviously knows your children better than you. They obviously know what is best for your children, and you are to simply and without question abide by the guidelines the court has written on a stamped and filed packet of paper, no questions asked, because obviously since the Court has ordered it, then it will be followed. So how dare you ask the court to make a judgment on their own laws, their own rules, that they have put into place for your situation, and then dismiss you, punish you, for seeking accountability on those exact laws, those exact rules that are actually not being followed at all.

This is my current situation. I hold in my hand tonight a Court Order from August 2021 stating that the “other parent” is not to harass, is to manage their own parenting time, is to not rely on the other parent for information beyond basic contact information of teachers, coaches, parents of child’s friends, and if information is available on public platforms, they are to obtain that information for themselves. I have paperwork that limits the alcohol intake of only the one parent who was determined to have a substance abuse problem. I hold in my hand paperwork that says the parents are to not speak ill of or disparage the other parent to the children, and yet every single phone call with the minor child is just that. I hold in my hand paperwork for court ordered counseling between one parent and both of the children, yet only one child was taken, and appointments were always canceled.

I also hold in my hand a judgment. A judgment not holding the offending parent accountable for refusing to attend the counseling on a regular basis, but against me, despite documentation that showed I was polite, cooperative, and committed to a process I knew would not end well. I was held accountable for his lack of effort and compliance. I hold in my hand a bogus “cease and desist” letter because I chose to tell my story publicly on a social media platform. I hold in my hand a motion for contempt against me for speaking out about the abuse the I suffered for years, the abuse I continue to have to live with post-separation, and for connecting with other women AND men across the country dealing with the same mistreatment from the family court system. I hold in my hand an agreed upon entry to remove certain content on my platform because it is assumed to be about “the other person”. I also hold in my hand printed text messages from “the other person” to my parents threatening them to “make me comply” or they will be sorry for what happens next. I hold in my hand printed texts from our younger daughter being harassed by her other parent – printed lies about me, what I am doing, people are reporting on my “behavior”, and then there are the eight missed calls because she refuses to listen to the lies anymore. The conversations that are never about her, how school is going, her dreams, her team tryout, or her school dance. The only topic of any phone call after 8 PM are simply the assumptions and delusion of an alcoholic obsessed with his ex-wife’s life and activities.

And last, I hold in my hand a number created in an app. A number that changes each day, slowly becoming less and less. A number that will be celebrated when it finally ceases to exist. A number that also symbolizes the end of a chapter and the start of a new beginning. A number that will be mourned when it no longer ceases to exist. For now, each number is 936 will be cherished, because despite what the other person attempts to do, the blessings, the happy memories, the time cherished together will always out weigh the number of deceitful texts, the number of lies, the number of canceled visits, the number of missed special events, the number of disappointments she has lived through at the hand of another

This, all that is written, and even more that has been kept silent for now, is but a tiny glimpse into the private life of an ex-spouse who had an abusive partner. The relationship is over. People are to move on with their own lives, and enjoy their children. Two of those three statements are true.

Yes, the relationship is over.

Yes, I enjoy my children every second of every day.

But no, there is no moving on. At least not for now. Because while I want nothing more than to move on, to find a loving, healthy partner, to be free of the angst, the perceived conflict, the negativity that oozes into my household, in this situation there is no moving on, not completely anyway. As adults, we take a lot of hits, a lot of turmoil, and we get up and brush ourselves off, and we keep going. We can handle the attacks, we can ignore them for the most part, and we don’t let them get to us. But it’s not just us, it’s not just me, in this situation. I can block out what you do to me. I can take whatever punches you want to throw, whatever lies you want to create about me, run your smear campaign, I will always stand back up. But it’s not just me that is that is the target. An abusive ex partner will go to the depths of your sanity to prevent you from moving on, and they do this by attacking everything you cherish, everything you love. I quickly realized that the stronger I was, the happier I became, the more fulfilling my life was, the more my children became targets, the more my career became a target, and my closest friends were no exception. Maintaining a new relationship proved difficult, because while I attempted to leave the baggage at the curb, that trauma was tethered to me.

Divorce is the end to a relationship. Divorce is more stressful than the death of a spouse. I believe that. Divorce is also the beginning of ongoing turmoil, where post-separation abuse and manipulation can continue to invade daily life, making closure and peace difficult to achieve.