Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

[This is an entry I recently found in my Notes app on my phone. It was drafted one night after my oldest daughter had another rough phone conversation with her dad. I must have been writing a "Burn After Writing" journal entry as a letter to him. Things I wanted to type out and send through the parenting communication app we have to use, but having gone through these feelings for about half a decade now, I know that sending them will not really have any affect on the situation. But the journal writing does bring some sense of release, if only for that brief moment anyway. Having come across this entry, I feel that now is the time to share these thoughts rather than burn them.]

"Why didn't you ask for my help?"

She’s going through something pretty big: a mini-crisis. She is reaching out to you with her problem, telling you how she made attempts to fix it herself, and now the new problem is a much quicker fix, but there is still a problem. But instead of praising her for taking initiative, for problem-solving, you instead interrogate her on why did not ask for your help in the first place?

Well, let’s unpack that, shall we.

When she needed rides to practices over the last several years, did you take her willingly, or complain the whole fifteen-minute drive and let her know that it was a chore for you? Better yet, did she always feel safe when you drove her?

When she had cheer tryouts, did you take time out of your day to go with her to the school, did you go with her to read her name in the list?

When she had a school club awards banquet, did you attend and sit in the crowd to hear them call her name, listen to her speech, and take a photo of her beaming smile on stage?

When she struggled through the school shutdown and online classes felt like they were killing her, did you support her in her academics and comfort her, or just tell her to do her homework at her “other house”?

When she wanted to hang-out with friends, did you encourage that or make her feel guilty for simply wanting to be a teenager?

When she attended her first homecoming dance, did you show up to take pictures with her? Or when she was asked to Prom, did you ask her about her dress?

When she was proudly cheering on the sidelines for her hometown team, did you sit in the stands to cheer her on? Or did you just tell her to call you when the game was over and you would come back and pick her up? Did you ever work just one assigned concession stand shift , or did you argue with her that you didn’t sign-up for anything so you were not doing it?

When she shared her feelings about her school work, her struggles, and that she needed help, did you take the time to listen to her, or did you cast her aside because you just had better things to do?

When she had scheduled surgery late in the evening, did you come sit with her to ease her fears, or did you tell her you were sorry, but you had to work late?

Or what about the time she called you from the ER to tell you she needed emergency surgery, did you rush to be by her side? Or did you tell her you would see her the next afternoon once you returned home from your girlfriend’s house?

Over the last several years, did you make her feel like a priority or a burden?

But now you’re upset and wonder why she didn’t ask you for help when she had a big problem. When you tell her you are not going to give her the time of day when she only wants you for financial support, and until she can return your phone calls, texts, or social media messages, you are no longer an option for her. You’re upset because she won’t accept a dinner invitation from you now. She is ignoring you and you will NOT be ignored.

You, the adult, feel ignored.

What about all those times she expected you to show up? All of the times when she still wanted you there, were you? Or did you just ignore her?

Because here’s the thing that needs to be said. Here is the lesson you need to learn.

If a parent can’t take the time to show up for the little stuff, to show up when it’s slightly inconvenient for them, to show up when it’s only for their child, if they can’t do the bare minimum, what confidence does their child have at even the slightest possibility their parent is going to show up for something big? The simple answer is: NONE.

You set the expectations for what you wanted your role in her life to be. You have allowed her to learn how to live without your praise, your support, your presence, your involvement. You taught her all of that.

Again, you ask her why she will not ask you for help. She was let down by you one too many times. All she wanted was your time and attention, your praise and your presence, and you made sure it was never readily available to her. So why would she expect anything requiring extra effort from you even be considered possible? She is simply tired of the consistent disappointment. She finally gave up on hoping you would just show up.

So the true reason, the answer to your question, why she doesn’t ask you for help?

You taught her not to.