Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

If there is any advice anyone takes away from anything I write, please let it me this: “Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can, and never be satisfied.”

I am not sure where I first heard about the term “narcissist”, at least not as it pertains to my situation. I am sure a lot of us know the story of Narcissus, and how his own self-love and super ego brought about his demise. But other than the self-loving, egocentric definition, I had no idea what a true narcissist was.

I think when I was going through some books on Amazon, maybe Audible, but I was looking for help in dealing with my divorce from an alcoholic. I was looking for anything that could help me understand what I was going through at this time, because I am going to be honest, I felt like I was literally going crazy. I felt people were looking at me like I was crazy. I was in a daily emotional spiral and even I was concerned about my behavior and well-being from time to time. So I turned to books. I mean, in all honesty, I was probably seeking information from others to just basically provide me with the fact that I was not the only one. I had no idea the rabbit hole I stumbled upon.

I think the first book I read was Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas, LCSW. If you have not read this book, and you relate to my story, I highly recommend it. I truly believe this book set the foundation for my healing journey. It has helped me heal and be better prepared to now deal with what I never knew existed.

When a partner in a relationship finally breaks their silence and shares about their abusive relationship, one of those most common comments they will probably hear is, “Well, at least you’re out now. So glad you don’t have to go through that anymore.” And this, in some cases, is the farthest from the truth anyone could get. Just because you get out, just because you get a divorce, just because there may be a counties or States between the two of you now, does not mean the abuse stops. If you are leaving a relationship with a person who checks all the boxes for a borderline personality disorder, you will quickly realize how their abuse will continue.

I had no idea what post-secondary abuse was, what it looked like, and how it was even “a thing”. To explain this to people, I often felt like I was complaining, not “moving on”, not “letting go”. I was often told to “don’t communicate him, don’t answer the phone, don’t respond to his text messages; but everything I was hearing from my attorney, from the family court, was “GET ALONG”.

I remember one particular conversation where he had called me while I was at work. I was still living in our marital home, so I answered the call. He was on the other end, telling me that he didn’t want this to be so bad. He didn’t want to make my life difficult. Let’s go to dinner and talk about all of this. We can work this out without attorney’s. We don’t have to waste all this money. I told him I would meet him for dinner, but I would drive separate. And the conversation ended. It was not a few hours later I received an email from my attorney that charges of contempt had been filed against me by my husband. Charges of contempt for removing items from the marital home! Items that I owned. Items that I was using for a work function and were in my car and sitting in the driveway at our house! How is this contempt? These are my things! Cannot I not even use my own things? He is taking tools, equipment, pretty much whatever he wanted, off of the property and to me it was a non-issue, but yet here I was. How was this even legal? How was he able to talk so sweetly to me, coerce me to drop my guard and think that he was actually going to work with on this, and then slam me in the face with this trumped up allegation? I had not taken anything from my house. Not to hide it anyway. I was using it. My mind was just spinning, and then I did what I now know was what he wanted. I called him. I called him and I was hysterical. I was crying, I was yelling, I was raging at him. Screaming at him the words on the paper: “First offense – up to $650 fine and 30 days in jail”. IN JAIL!!! JAIL for taking what was my own property so I wasn’t sitting on the ground at my classroom’s graduation picnic lunch?! All the while, he was on the other end calmly telling me that I had brought this all on myself. He had video-taped the entire house, per his attorney’s orders, and noticed that I took some folding chairs from the camper, so he called and filed contempt on me.

What I know was that he was in need of supply, and I was more that willing to comply at that time. This behavior continued for the next few years; even after the divorce was final. Except the treatment was more and more convert or just seen by others as “annoying”, “immature”, “not a big deal”. But people who are not the target of these behaviors are blind to see these tactics for what they, because it’s not being done to them, they are only hearing about it from the person it is being done to, they miss the emotions, the fear, the constant feeling of being under a microscope. While all you want to do it survive, it feels like you have someone standing over you with their foot on your throat.

I found my first bit of information on post-separation abuse after I read one of the creator’s books. I had read another book, this one by and author and mom named Tina Swithin. I had heard of her, representing herself through a divorce and custody battle out in the California Family Court system, and began reading any book, resource, anything she shared. Again, I was focused on learning as much as I could about what had been happening to me over the last decade. The website, http://www.onemomsbattle.com, was a treasure chest for me. Not only were her other books there, but countless resources, and one that helped me see everything that I am writing about here for exactly what it was.

Post-Separation Abuse.

In my own experience, when I talk to people about this topic, what I hear most often are the typical statements:

• You need to forgive them so you can move on.
• It happened, but you’re out of that house now.
• Don’t let them live rent free in your head.
• They can’t do anything to you anymore.
• Let it go.
• You are allowing them to control you. Move on.
• Why are you engaging in this conflict with them?
• Just ignore.

“Just ignore” is the comment that to this day, even after everything I have worked so hard to heal from, that leaves me feeling so small, insignificant, and unheard. “Just ignore” the late night “no caller ID” phone calls. “Just ignore” the cryptic text messages they send you that let you know they have been watching you. “Just ignore” their refusals to pay for medical expenses for you children. “Just ignore” their constant refusals to parent in the children’s best interests. “Just ignore” the numerous court motions filed against you, costing you thousands of dollars to prepare for the hearing, only for them to drop the motions a week before. “Just ignore” them as they lie about you in your community, damage your reputation with friends and possibly even your career. “Just ignore” as they fight you for custody only to pawn off the children onto their family members or cancel their time last minute, the goal being to control your time and interfere with your potential plans. “Just. Ignore.”

There are eight categories for post-separation abuse, and these can be found on the website I mentioned above. I do want to say that I am not affiliated with this website, but I find this information to be so important, I have shared it with practically everyone that has asked me about my healing journey.

1. Domestic Violence by Proxy
2. Neglectful or Abusive Parenting
3. Discarding
4. Isolation
5. Harassment or Stalking
6. Legal Abuse
7. Financial Abuse
8. Counter-Parenting

While there are things that we as survivors can do to protect ourselves, one thing is still very clear to the large majority of us: the courts do not recognize this as abuse or criminal. Now, if your divorce and parenting plans read like mine, of course there are statements within those many paragraphs about who will pay for what with a little % symbol behind a number. There are statements on “not disparaging the other parent” in comments to the children or other adults. How parents are to communicate with each other on all things related to the children in a timely manner. Yes, I know of those and many more. Yet, those who are perpetrators in post-separation abuse, also find the loopholes in each of those statements. The parenting plan says both parents shall pay 50% of all agreed up medical care, and then the abusive parent “does not agree”. Another situation, your child, now a teenager, wants to attend driver’s education and get their license. You have your child 80% of the time and are the main source of transportation 5 days or more each week for all the kids, and would love for the oldest teen to obtain their driver’s license to at least self-transport to their own activities. The other parent states the child has not earned that privilege to go, because the teen does not call them enough, the teen does not see the other parent enough, therefore you can pay the $675 fee for driver’s ed. Or a third situation might be they use the child’s cell phone to access previously blocked social media connections to see what you are doing, or use their phone to access your shared location with your child to stalk your location.

Post-separation abuse is real, and it is not talked about enough. When a survivor of post-separation abuse begins to share, please remember it is not the survivor trying to relive every “violation” committed again them. It is not them whining, or complaining, or “disparaging the other parent”. It is simple the person working through the continued abuse they are forced to endure because the family court system continues to refuse to enforce it’s own rulings and orders. We are simply trying to survive a system that is set up to protect abusers and oppress their targets.

Of all of the conversations I had over the course of our divorce, one stands out in my mind very prominently. After learning all that I have over the last six years, I can’t help but think had I known then what I know now, how differently my case might have turned out. How differently things might be now moving forward. I was once again in my attorney’s office going through the binders of documentation I had been collecting for my case. I was discussing my extreme concern for the safety of our then elementary aged children, his excessive drinking to the point of missing pickup times to the point the county sheriff had to be called to perform a well-check. The times I caught him driving my house, calling me late at night blocking his cell number, showing up to pickup the kids on my parenting time, having people take pictures of me in public and send them to him, coming to my new residence when I was not home and looking in all my windows, walking around my property. I felt like I was losing my mind, I had no privacy, he was contacting my employer attempting to get my fired or at least reprimanded. I was in complete mental chaos, and I was begging my attorney for help. His response to me is still to this day one of the most dismissive I have ever heard. “The courts are not a counseling service.” That was the statement that pretty much killed my spirit and any hopes I had of anything fair coming from this divorce. I began to sign agreements to just get the divorce final, it hopes that it would then just stop.

If the same attorney were to tell me that today, I would not go as submissive as I did. I now have a response for him. The courts may in fact not wish nor want to be a counseling service, yet the system itself is creating that exact scenario time after time after time. The family court system refuses to address such domestic issues, instead insisting that the two parties “just get along”. Still, the family court system needs to realize that if the parties could in fact just get along, the family court system would not even be needed in the first place. The family court system needs to be forced to acknowledge that post-separation abuse is real, is criminal, and falls within the definition of psychological abuse. Until the family court system can make this change, they will only continue to silence and further abuse the survivors of domestic violence, and protect those who are continuing to abuse them.