Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

There is a thin line between love and hate. But what about the line. What is the line? A boundary? A feeling? What is there between love and hate?

A few years ago I posted a video on my page on TikTok speaking about this exact topic. Indifference. I pulled up the video today to listen to it, and below is what I shared.

“Indifference is actually the opposite of love, not hate. Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate and love have feelings attached to them, and you care about what happens to the other person whether it’s good or bad.

If you hate somebody you obviously want something bad to happen to them or at least to not have good fortune. Indifference means you don’t care if they have good luck or bad luck. You really don’t think about that person all that much. And yesterday, I realized what truly feeling indifferent towards somebody feels like, and the more I hear from my ex about things he’s not going to do, makes demands, and continues to be antagonistic and uncooperative in at least parallel-parenting our children, because co-parenting went out the window months ago.

I don’t care. If he says yes or no, I don’t care. I’ll just keep doing what I’m supposed to do.”

Elie Wiesel said, “The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference”. This now has me sitting here at my computer, thinking, contemplating, and realizing that, like every other emotion the human brain can conjure, indifference can also fluctuate. Here is why I think indifference is no difference.

When someone has to continue to communicate with a person who was abusive to them, when they have to engage in communication, even if it is only in writing, the person, with each interaction, risks being retraumatized by their abuser. Because of this, the progress the person has made to reach that feeling of indifference can suffer a huge set-back. The past feelings of abuse, the trauma, even some physical pain, can come back to that person in an instant. All of the progress this person has made, gone, and all the old feelings come flooding back to them, along with all of the emotions from the past.

I know this because I have experienced it – quite a few times. I have come to a point where all I want is to protect my peace, to move on in my life, focus on my children and their future, and that is all. I realized once that I had gone literally weeks and not really thought about my abuser, or anything regarding him. It was an awakening and for the first time ever, a sense of finally being free. No longer bound by my fear of being drug back to court for frivolous and false allegations, no more worrying about someone “watching and reporting” on me, no more attempting to be one step ahead to avoid the next conflict or argument. I was no longer thinking about what he was doing, who he might be running his smear campaign to now, it all had just seemed to vanish. I really could not care less about anything he said, did, had other people do, because, well, I honestly did not care anymore.

I found this was also temporary. When there would be moments of peace, no interaction, just parallel-parenting, it never failed that something would ignite him. There would be an onslaught of messages late at night, messages with nothing but gaslighting statements, and when those did not get a reaction from me, he would then attack by means of our children. Not always directly, but attack their activities, their schedule, my parenting time choices, etc. My mind would start defending myself to me, and I would start to feel the old emotions of how he “was winning”, nothing was fair, I was exhausted, I had to take action, and I would stay there, focused on him. There would always be that something that eventually struck the nerve and start the downward spiral. I would feel the change in my emotions take over, and I felt helpless and then anger.

I felt angry that I was the only one held accountable, the only one actually raising our children, the only one doing all of the parenting things: daily schedules, homework, activities, household chores, etc. The projection of his statements, the lies, cut through my sanity like a sword through the thinnest veil of mist. I was right back where I had started at the beginning of the divorce, only now I was three years out and emotionally no better off. I felt out of control, like nothing would ever be right again. Why was I was the one being punished, and I wanted justice!

Then, it would happen again. I would pause: ignore the gaslighting, the projecting, and the smear campaign. I would allow the phone calls between him and our daughters to take place, allow him to spin them his lies, only to watch them become more and more confused. I would tell them how much I love them, and that I will do whatever I can so their lives are not upended, and we would move forward. I would put my head down, stay silent, and push through. I would do what was best for the girls, all while working through the retraumatizing I was living. And there it would be. Indifference would come back to me, and I would feel the peace pour over my like the softest blanket pulled straight from the dryer.

I decided to write on this topic because this was a struggle for me for quite some time. I so badly wanted to feel indifferent, and when I finally did, I thought that was it. I had accomplished my journey; successfully crossed that finish line. So to say I felt defeated or like a failure when I felt indifference slipping away would be an understatement. I felt like I had allowed myself to regress; that I had truly not worked on my healing; that I had been living a lie for past several weeks, maybe even several months at one point. I also realized that this too, is part of one’s healing journey, and I thought it deserved at least a discussion.

Reaching a point in your healing journey does not mean you get to stay there the first time you reach it. We hope we do, and some people may get that win on the first attempt. But I felt compelled to speak to those who maybe have been on the same path as me – the “Healing is not Linear” path. And honestly, it sucks big time. But it doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean you lied to yourself. It doesn’t mean that you still can’t reach that point again. It simply means that you have another situation, another retraumatizing event, to live through, to grow through, to learn from, and reconquer.

Personally, I think I have hit this feeling of indifference for the third time. What do I focus on to get me back to this place? Radical acceptance is one way, and a topic I will address very soon, but in summary, I accept that he is who is going to be. No surprises, he has shown who he is, so accept it. Second, active self-care is vital to any healing, and this allows you to check in with your emotions and feelings and evaluate what you need to do next for you, not anyone else. Third, reflect how you got to indifference the first time. What happened that allowed you to reach that point before?

As for this moment, I feel like I am at the edge of reaching that point again. I don’t wish him the best anymore, I simply just wish him on his way, and whatever that may look like for him, so be it. The divorce was the fork in the path, and those paths will one day cease to cross, and eventually no longer even run parallel to each other, and indifference will finally stop being temporary.

However, I will end with this warning; indifference is a very powerful emotion, some believe even more than love and hate, so be mindful when you feel indifferent towards anyone, because…

To be treated with indifference is the greatest tragedy the human soul can suffer.”

– Tonny K. Brown