Hold My Halo and Pass the Wine

“How did you two meet?”

This was a question I usually hoped would not be asked once my now ex-husband and I were dating. It wasn’t because it was incredibly scandalous, however it wasn’t exactly “normal”. In summary, we were dating other people and hung out together quite often for a short time. In the end, both couples went their separate ways and the two of us continued to hang-out.

Looking back, I would definitely describe us as friends. I was in college about 30 minutes away, and he lived back in my hometown. We talked on the phone regularly. We made plans with our group of friends regularly on the weekends. My girlfriends and I even stayed at his house if we were out late. We had fun together. For the sake of making this easier to write, we will call my ex, Mark.

So months later, when he finally showed interest in me more than just a friend, I was hesitant at first. We had a great friendship. We got along so well, why risk screwing that up. But then again, some of the best relationships start out as friends, right? You know this person. You obviously like them, so why not, right?

To think about the beginning of our dating relationship is not very easy to remember. I can recall some events, but nothing that really stands out that would have been a red flag. However, had I known then what I know now, I would have seen they were there. Not only was my new partner good at love-bombing, he was very skilled at presenting himself as a protector. Not just my protector, but anyone I cared about as well.

I remember my best friend from back then and I went to a local bar one night. We were both in college still, and it was during the summer. She and I had met at his house and wanted told him our plans and wanted him to go. He agreed to join us, and so we went out. My friend drove separate, as she wanted to go to her parents’ house after. She and I were drinking that night, and he was not. Everything seemed to be going well, until it was time to leave, and my friend decided she was going to drive home. Mark was not having it. He jumped into action, stopped her from leaving, actually started an argument with her in the bar over her giving-up her keys, involved our friend who owned the bar in the discussion, and eventually got her to turn her keys over to another friend that agreed to drive her car home for her and we would follow to pick them up. He truly cared about my friends and their safety.

Another thing I remember is that he always seemed to be looking out for my best interest in who I was hanging out with. Remember when I said that we were dating other people when we first met? Well, I was friends with his girlfriend at the time, and she was dating Mark when I came home from college for the summer. She and I remained friends as she told me their breakup was amicable, and we all still hung out together. However, as our relationship grew longer, he began to make comments about my friend, Amy. Maybe I should not ride in the car with her, as her driving was erratic and aggressive. He also made comments about her and I spending time together without him. She was a partier and wild. She was irresponsible. Why was I really friends with someone like her? At one point I did state the obvious to him, “But you dated her, so she can’t be that bad.” His response was that, “Why do you think I broke things off with her? She was always drinking, partying, staying out too late. She’s childish and needs to grow up. I don’t want to be with someone like that.”

Now that is what he said. What I started to hear in these comments was, “If you want to be with me, this is not the kind of partner I want to be with.” I started to make mental notes when he would say these things, and they said often. As months past and even into the first couple of years, things stayed relatively the same. However the comments about other people, specifically women, never stopped. We were younger than most of our friends when we started dating, most of them were married. And he would always make comments about his friends wives. How they complained, some were lazy, never let his friends go anywhere, they couldn’t even have drinks with the guys, and “just bitches” he would call them. And each time I heard him talk about these women, I remember promising myself, telling myself, I was never going to be like those women. Obviously that type of controlling woman was not what he wanted, so as long as I refrained from treating him that way, I would be the girlfriend his friends would envy for him. The more stories he told me, the more I vowed to myself to never be those women. I would not control him, I would encourage him to have “guy-time”, and if he wanted to drink after a long work week, that would be his right.

Looking back now, I see this was all part of his grooming process. By complaining about his friends’ spouses, he was making sure I was learning how to act, as well as setting the scene for him to begin to do whatever he wanted. But again, this took years to come into play. Some may even think at this point that I am crazy for even thinking that his plan was this long in the making, but time is nothing to someone like Mark. They can wear the mask as long as necessary. If it happens to slip, love bombing will save them, and the grooming will continue. This type of manipulative behavior continued throughout our marriage in various situations. It was not until years later that I started to see the pattern.

For me, this was the way things were for about two years. The first big fight that was mentioned previously occurred about two years into our relationship. Two years I had invested into this relationship, and I had worked hard at it. To let one argument ruin everything, well then who else would be blamed for a breakup where I was obviously attempting to control him, I had complained, I had been selfish, and he had a party planned and I was not there to help him prepare – I was lazy. In one night, I was all of those things he had told me he could not stand about his friends’ wives. Obviously, this was my mess to fix.

The day after the fight, I showed up at Mark’s house unannounced. He questioned why I was there, because we were not together anymore. He was not going to deal with someone as horrible as me. I told him that we had invited people to his house together, so I was going to help him get the house and garage ready. I at least owed him that. He made some comment about how I did owe him and that was that. So I started my attempt to “fix” what I had broken. I worked at his place all day. Our friends were supposed to arrive around 5 o’clock that evening. As it got closer to the start of the party, I was beginning to think he might actually let me stay. I had fixed this. I showed him I cared, I showed him I wasn’t lazy, and I showed him that I was wrong and he was right – I had been selfish and I owed this to him.

I was standing in the driveway when he approached me. I thought this was it. He was going to forgive me and allow me to stay. He did not even make eye contact with me as he thanked me for my help and then said that was all he needed from me. I should go. I opened my mouth to object, but then all of those thoughts came flooding my head: all his wife does is complain, she just makes excuses, she never lets him hang out with his friends. I closed my mouth, got in my car, and left. I returned to my parents’ empty home, they were away on a vacation with my younger brother, and I sobbed. What had I done? He had literally told me what he did not like, and I had become just that. To say I was embarrassed and devastated at this moment would have been an understatement. He had to forgive me. Would I have any friends after he told them what I did? Would his friends still like me? It was important that they liked me or they won’t hang out with him if he stays with me.

It wasn’t until after 11 o’clock that night I received a phone call from him. He asked me what I was I doing and could he come over to talk. I said sure. When he arrived, he did most of the talking and I did all of the apologizing. This lasted for over an hour, but in the end, he invited me back to stay at his house. Almost everyone was gone when we returned, he shuffled me inside the house, and said we were going to bed, and that was that.

After all of this, I could only think that I did it. I had salvaged this relationship. I was winning at this girlfriend thing! I could admit my mistakes, I was willing to accept where I did wrong, and he was going to look good in front of his friends because he had the girl that did not do all of the annoying things their girlfriends and wives did. I had no idea how this one event was just the beginning of my very toxic 20-year relationship and marriage.